The comments and opinions expressed herein are those of the imaginary characters, and are not necessarily those of the author. This article is for entertainment purposes only. Warning: May Contain SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Contains mild bad language.
Zevran: ::fires up the demo:: okay, first… we pick a character to be this hawke person. hang on… where are the elves!? what kind of cheap shem game is this!?
Bloodsong: this story is about a human family.
Bannon: oh, for–!
Zevran: humans, humans, always humans! i’m tired of all the stories being about humans! bloodsong, when are you going to write a story featuring ELVES for once! i mean a good one.
Bloodsong: as soon as i finish valorien’s story. which, technically, IS about an elf, you know.
B: well why isn’t there an elven champion?
Bloodsong: i’m sure there is, somewhere. maybe in dragon age iii.
B: ::sigh:: shems.
Z: all right, all right. so, we should have a male hawke, then we can romance all the chicks!
B: eeuw, he has a beard!
Z: you and your thing about beards!
B: get a girl hawke, since we’re going to be looking at her backside most of the time.
Z: good idea! you want a warrior? look at this huge sword she whips around!
B: why not a rogue?
Z: bah, we know how to do rogue moves.
B: then do a mage.
Z: gah! i have no idea how to do magic! oh wait…. ::he clicks on the rogue hawkes on the screen:: check out these gorgeous blades! ooh, i want one! i want TWO! ::drools::
B: okay, we’ll do a rogue. now get out of the way so i can play first.
Z: you’re not going first!
B: i always go first! whenever we read a book, i get chapter one.
Z: i gave you the odd numbered ones, because if they end on an odd number, that means you have to do more than me!
B: ::rolls eyes:: fine! that *also* means i get to play first!
Z: no, you don’t! i’m already sitting here. you can play when i die.
B: that won’t take long, soon as i smack you in the head as you’re trying to fight.
Bloodsong: oh stop fighting! you’re worse than a couple of children! play the blasted game!
(so eventually, ms hawke and bethany splash onto the screen, ready for action.)
B: oh wow, i didn’t know she had blue eyes.
Z: those are *seriously* blue. and who’s that sexy chick with her?
Bloodsong: that’s your sister.
Z: oh. darn. oooh, who is that handsome young man?
Bloodsong: that’d be your brother.
Z: oh. and… the *seriously* well-preserved buxom older woman?
Bloodsong: ::sigh:: that’d be your MOM.
Z: damn! who do i get to romance in this game?
Bloodsong: it’s just the demo. there IS no romance!
Z: ::sigh:: at least the hawke family has good genes, no?
B: ::facepalm:: just kill the darkspawn, wouldya?
Z: *you* do not appreciate proper buxomness, mister ‘i don’t care for huge cleavage.’
B: i told you, anatomy that looks like a buttcrack does not belong on that part of a woman!
Z: ::concentrates on playing the game:: wohoo, look at me go! ::bounces in his seat:: look at this move! ha-HAH! WHAM! sliced *right* in half!
B: look out… that’s definitely an ogre.
Z: ogre, schmogre. check out this fancy move!
B: mmmm, yeah, getting trampled? never would’ve seen *that* coming.
Z: ::cursing in antivan::
B: are you dead yet? is it my turn?
Z: no! …i do this…! and this…! and one of these! and WHACK! one dead ogre. HAHAHA! i am ridiculously awesome!
(on the screen, the heroes look up as a dragon on the cliff prepares to swoop down on them.)
Z: DRAGON!!!! okay, that’s your department! ::shoves the keyboard at bannon and hops out of the chair::
B: ::slips into the chair, ready to go, just as the action on the screen is cut off by some woman snapping “b*&sh#*$!”:: haha!
B: yeah, all those fancy moves you were doing. b#$*%&!
Z: ::smacks him, then grabs the keyboard:: give me that back, my turn isn’t over.
B: yes it is! ::yanks on the keyboard::
Bloodsong: if you guys break my ‘Very Old And Impossible To Find Anymore Keyboard WITHOUT Stupid Windoze Keys’ you are seriously grounded!
B: why don’t you get a new keyboard?
Bloodsong: they all have Stupid Windoze Keys! *I* only use keyboards without them! and zevran, don’t start! i got two words for you!!
Z: “chastity belt”?
Bloodsong: YES. *again*!
B: shush, it’s back to me now. wait, hold on… how come *you* get fancy sleek weapons, and all i get are plain little swords!?
Z: ::snickering:: mine are always bigger than yours.
B: where are all the fancy moves you had? i got gypped!
Z: ::mockingly: oh, shut up and kill the darkspawn.
B: ::grumbles: with my *one* move.
Bloodsong: level up and get another move.
B: oh, *two* moves. wo-hoo :he says drolly::
(bannon continues playing until the characters meet some new companions, a templar and a warrior woman defending him as he is wounded.)
B: she looks… dangerous. ::winces as the woman starts beating in the face of some hapless hurlock, then whacks its head off:: oh yeah, she’s yours.
Z: oh? i thought you liked blondes.
B: and *you* like dangerous! you can have her.
Z: no argument there. i like a nice, strong woman. …pick the flippant remark! pick the flippant remark!
Z: the purple one! chicks love that!
Bloodsong: ::rolls eyes::
B: chicks love flippant remarks? :he repeats incredulously:: it’s a wonder you had any success seducing anyone at all.
Z: it worked on YOU, didn’t it?
Z: it is a well-known fact that what women like *most* is a man who can make them laugh!
B: oh yeah, you’re funny.
B: now you have to wonder…. how can a templar know, just by looking at someone, that they’re an apostate?
Z: look at how she is dressed! nobody in the circle wears *that*!
B: and how is he married? i thought they weren’t allowed to.
Z: wait, the one romanceable chick in the whole thing, and she’s married? GAH! ::slaps hand to forehead:: all these gorgeous, sexy men and women. they are doing this to torment me!
Bloodsong: oh yeah, that was in one of the developer meetings. “so we worked isabella into this thing, can we somehow get zevran into it, too?” “good lord, NO! make sure to keep him faaaaaaaaaaar away from THIS game!”
Z: oh, shut up!
B: wait, isabella is in it?
Z: i could have been in it! isabella could give me a lift to ferelden.
B: not with the Zevran ASAP mod.
B: no, you were in that filthy flophouse, waiting to meet with loghain.
Z: oh yes, a quaint little bed and breakfast (if you like bugs to eat) in your lovely home town of denerim. remind me to visit there again, sometime.
Z: it’s taking you forever to kill this ogre!
B: SOMEbody stole all the fancy ogre-killing moves!
Z: well, it wasn’t me. …DRAGON!!!
B: okay, that’s the signal it’s your turn again. ::gives up the controls::
Z: ::hops back into the seat:: are we dead? are we dead? ….HOOO! go dragon, smash those darkspawn! why didn’t we have this dragon in our party?
B: hang on, it’s…. *what* is THAT!?
Z: whoa. that is one *serious* hairdo.
B: she sounds like… oh, it can’t be!
Z: it’s flemeth’s… MUCH younger sister??!?
(on screen, the woman says: “some call me that. or flemeth. or that annoying old hag who talks to much.”)
Z: she didn’t look like that when you took me to see her.
B: man, she must be one hell of a shape-shifter. or these game developers take some *serious* artistic liberties.
Z: you sure i’m not in this game? a cameo appearance, perhaps? i’d like to see myself all buffed up and sexified by these game developers.
Bloodsong: according to TW, you’d look like a twiggy santa elf in a corset, with huge anime elf ears sticking out like airplane wings.
Z: that can’t be right! i’m *sure* i’d look like legolas!
B: in your dreams.
Z: don’t you think i look like legolas?
B: no, dear, you’re *much* sexier than he is.
Z: hah! i knew that!
Bloodsong: you just *have* to inflate his ego, don’t you?
B: shh, it’s just easier to live with him that way.
Z: shaddap! oh look, is that isabella!? ho HO! she has been working out!
B: i don’t remember her, um… “prow” being that prominent.
Z: ::too busy oogling to comment::
B: how’s she supposed to duel with that… i mean, wouldn’t she overbalance? and don’t those get in the way of her moving her arms?
Z: no! shush! she is fine! miiiiiiighty fine! …oh, and so bloodthirsty! i am in love!
B: oh, again. ::sounding bored::
(after some more fighting and running around… and selecting flippant comments here and there… isabella bids adieu, though she has a room if you want some ‘company’ later.)
Z: ahhhhhh, YES! count on isabella! ::rubs his hands together eagerly::
(and then the epilogue and end credits roll.)
Z: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::thunks head on the keyboard::
Bloodsong: i told you. and don’t break that! ::gets out notepad:: so… what did you guys think of the demo?
Z: it was fun!
B: it wasn’t very realistic. the fighting, i mean. all that jumping around and poofing and chopping people into quarters?
Z: well, not realisitc. but fun!
B: the part where it took twenty minutes to stabbity-stabbity the ogre wasn’t that fun.
Z: that got a little tedious, i agree. that, and the party getting wiped out because you have only TWO health potions, and the heal spell takes forever to recharge.
B: the tactics against the ogre were interesting. and backstabbing is a little easier — now you just press a button; you don’t have to scoot around the guy.
Bloodsong: how about the story?
B: besides the fact there weren’t any elves in it?
Z: yeah, that sucked.
Bloodsong: yes, besides that!
Z: hard to say, really. i guess it depends on how the dwarf tells it. ::shrugs::
B: you probably like the b#$(%*& version better.
Z: hey! that version had the fancier moves! and the bigger, flashier blades!
Bloodsong: you know what i think…. i think it looks nice, and it is fun and all… but it is less realistic. more like a video game, you know? origins was more gritty and realistic. the characters in it were more alive.
Zevran: ::looks at Bannon::
Bannon: ::looks at Zevran, quirking a brow::
Zevran: well, we can always ask hawke his opinion. uh, her opinion… ::looks around:: hmm… how do you trigger a conversation with this guy? –girl. whatever.
Bloodsong: yeah…. i think i rest my case.