(absolutely nothing NSFW happens in this post. or happened. or might happen. no, really. there’s just torchwood shenanigans involving jack harkness and my two elves. right. don’t let the boss see it.)
(The next morni… aftern… day. The next day.)
Oliver awoke to a pounding, screaming, excruciating headache that felt like a heavy metal concert going on inside his skull. He groaned and opened his eyes, carefully. He was in a bed, in a shaded room, and it was summery-hot. There was an arm across his chest. He crossed his eyes trying to focus on it. Rich, dark skin, well-muscled…. “Diggle!” Oliver shoved the arm off.
Next to him, Diggle groaned in protest and struggled to sit up. “Wha… What happened?”
“I don’t know. I… I can’t remember.” Oliver sat up and turned to find himself hemmed in on the other side by another body, lying face-down on its pillow, dark hair splayed in a messy fan. He flinched. “Malcolm? Malcolm! Wake up!” He prodded the older man in the ribs, but the only response he got was a bear-like growl as Merlyn put the pillow over his head.
“Are you sure that’s not the other guy? That guy with the used-car salesman smile?” Diggle asked.
Oliver frowned and peered at the body again. He tentatively prodded at one of the scars. Yep, it was real. “No, it’s Malcolm.” He frowned and looked around the room, but it was completely generic, giving him no clue to anything. “Where are we?”
“Never mind where are we,” Diggle said in sudden panic. “Where’s our clothes!?”
Diggle: ::after finishing reconnaissance:: Okay, they cleaned us out. All I could find were three pairs of sunglasses, and three pairs of Speedoes. ::holds up the red, black, and blue scraps of fabric::
Malcolm: ::grabs the blue one!::
Diggle: Hey! ::tosses the black one to Oliver::
Oliver: Don’t I get to pick?
Malcolm: You’re too slow. All right, what do we remember?
Oliver: You sent us on some wild brain chase to Tijuana!
Diggle: Where we met Captain Used Cars and his WAY too friendly buddies!
Malcolm: Then we got drunk and… um…?
Oliver: Totally did not have sex with any of them.
Diggle & Malcolm: Right!
Oliver: Well, we’ll have to go out onto the beach and find them. And hopefully our stuff. ::heads for the door… stops when he realizes they’re not following him:: What?
Diggle: You’re going out in public like that?
Oliver: It’s a beach, I’m sure it’s fine. Unless you have a better idea? And no, I’m NOT going alone!
Diggle: ::grumbles and follows:: Man, I’m getting a wedgie already…!
(somewhere on the beach, our intrepid heroes find some elves, a used car doppleganger, and a sloshed brain.)
Zevran: Ravin, Ravin… the Raven.
Rav: My name is Raviathan.
Zevran: Even better! Raviathan, the Leviathan! The mighty beast from the depths below….
Bannon: ::smacks him!::
Zevran: Ow! What!?
Bannon: I think you’ve had enough of him.
Zevran: You’re not usually the jealous type. Oh, look! Hola, amigoes! ::waves to Oliver and his crew::
Jack: ::looks over, peering over his sunglasses:: Hey, guys! Looking good!
Oliver: All right, what the hell happened last night? And where’s our stuff!?
Jack: Don’t worry, everything was completely consentual. ::leer::
Diggle: Was that before or after you roofied us!?
Bannon: We just stole your clothes.
Jack: Hey, it was just a bit of a joke. Relax, all your stuff is here, safe and sound.
Oliver: ::bristles:: You know, Jack, my eyes are up here!
Jack: ::tears his eyes off Oliver’s Speedoes:: Uh, right! Anyway, I explained everything to you last night. ::looks at each of them (in the eye):: You didn’t handle it very well, so we had to retcon you.
Diggle: What’s retcon?
Bannon: Amnesia pills.
Diggle: You DID drug us!
Jack: I assure you, it was for your own good.
Malcolm: We want our clothes back, NOW.
Oliver: And we’ll be taking that brain with us.
Jack: ::looks at his elven cohorts:: I’m sorry, but we can’t let you do that.
Oliver: Why not?
Jack: ::gets up and goes over to the brain, which is listing to port in its coconut shell:: This, gentlemen, is the key to happiness. ::skritchie-tickles the brain’s tummy with one finger:: As long as this little guy is happily sloshed and on a sugar high, life is all warm summer beaches and hot summer nights.
Bloodsong’s Brain: ::happily:: leleleleleleleleeee!
Jack: ::gives the trio a warning glance:: Once it goes back to normal, that all ends. Life will be full of pain, despair, hardship….
Malcolm: You can’t spend your entire life on a beach.
Jack: No. No, that’s true. ::sadly::
Bloodsong’s Brain: ::rolls over and nuzzle’s Jack’s hand::
Jack: ::rubs the brain between its eyes::
Bloodsong’s Brain: ::sticks out tongue and trills happily:: blrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrrrrr!
Bannon: It’s just for a couple of weeks. ::makes big, sad elf eyes:: Come on guys, what’s a few weeks? Don’t we deserve to enjoy life once in a while? To stop running, and fighting? Have a little happiness?
Oliver, Diggle, Malcolm: ::look tempted::
Jack: I can guarantee that when you go back home, everything will be just as you left it.
Diggle: I don’t see how–
Jack: Look, if you want to go back, then go back. But leave the brain here.
Oliver: Well…. I guess we can hang out a few days?
Zevran: Exellent choice! There is about to be a volleyball competition, right here on the beach! ::turns to the brain:: Am I right, amigo?
Bloodsong’s Brain: ::waves a flipper, and a bunch of bikini-clad babes start setting up for volleyball::
Jack: Oh, and a wet T-shirt contest!
Bannon: What’s a wet T-shirt contest?
Jack: Believe me, no visit to planet Earth is complete until you’ve seen one! ::looks hopefully at the brain::
Bloodsong’s Brain: fwoopy! brrrrzzzzt!
Zevran: Oh look, there’s the sign now… Wait… “Wet Boxer Contest”???
Jack: ::to the brain:: Oh, YOU DIDN’T!?!?
Bloodsong’s Brain: :P”””””!
Jack: ::starts to yell, then thinks a second….:: Wait… Okay. This can work.
Oliver: We are so totally not going there.
Jack: Fine. And your stuff is there in the tent. You guys! ::to the elves:: Let’s go enter a contest. ::grin!::
Diggle: And we can sit here and watch the volleyball. ::comandeers one of the vacated beach chairs::
Diggle: What!?!? It’s a vacation, man!
(a little while later….)
Bannon & Zevran: ::all wet and shivering in their boxers::
Zevran: I do not see how this is attractive to the ladies!
Jack: What did you guys do, jump in the ocean?
Jack: Well, see, the trick is to use warm water. ::grins and strides onto the stage, waving at the audience, basking in the cheers and catcalls::
Bannon & Zevran: ::look at each other::
Bannon: I hate that shem.