The Search for Bloodsong’s Brain


 
 
On a Beach somewhere in Tijuana

Jack: Well, hello handsome! ::beam!::

Malcolm: Uh, who are you?

Jack: I’m Captain Jack Harkness. ::enfolds his hand in a warm, firm grip:: I must say, this is a real fantasy come true.

Bannon: ::groan!:: Jack, you can’t cross your own timeline to have sex with yourself!

Malcolm: What!?

Jack: It’s not me! He has scars.

Zevran: He’s way more built than you, too.

Jack: Hey!

Malcolm: ::draws back an folds his arms, trying to hide the scars::

Zevran: Scars are very sexy. Oooh, speaking of which! ::starts drooling over Oliver:: Look at this fellow!

Bannon: Bah, he’s too scruffy.

Oliver: Who are you people!?

Jack: Like I said, I’m Jack Harkness of Torchwood. I’m sure you’ve never heard of it. These are my associates, Zevran, and the cranky brunette is Bannon. And who are you handsome devils? ::leers at Malcolm some more::

Oliver: I’m Oliver. This is John and Malcolm. ::edges away from Zevran:: Look, we don’t want any trouble. We’re looking for a brain…?

Bannon: Oh, it’s over there. ::gestures to a nearby table with an oversized coconut shell containing a grey brain-like mass that has a blue paper umbrella sticking out of it. the brain appears to be rocking side to side, waving vestigal flippers, as it trills a tune and blows bubbles::

BrainMaiTai

Oliver, Diggle, Malcolm: ::stare!::

Diggle: Okay, so this is Malcolm’s doppleganger, you guys… are you elves?

Zevran: Si!

Bannon & Zevran: ::show off their ears::

Diggle: Right, and that’s a brain that has — correct me if I’m wrong — been pickled in a mai tai.

Jack: Well, no, not a mai tai. We keep it topped up. It’s had — oh, at least 7 or 8 dozen? ::checks with the elves::

Bannon: At least.

Zevran: Today.

Diggle: I… I… see it. I still don’t believe it. ::looks for a place to sit down::

Malcolm: Look, we’re supposed to deliver this… brain…

Bloodsong’s Brain: fweeble wheee!

Malcolm: Back to Starling City. Are you going to hand it over or not?

Bannon: Did a large tiger send you?

Malcolm: Uh, no.

Zevran: We are not going back!

Jack: Fellas, fellas…! There’s no need for any animosity. Come have a drink on us, and I’ll explain everything! ::smiles::

 

 
Two Hours Later….

Bannon: ::leaning drunkently on Malcolm:: You know, that’s what happen, to my mom. Shss, killt for no reason, man! I was like nine.

Malcolm: ::leaning drunkenly on Bannon:: Yoosh shud totally meet my son. Hez was eight!

Bannon: Izze cute?

Malcolm: Errrm… ::wrinkles brow trying to figure that one out:: Hez… yeah, hez good lookin. ‘Zgot my eyes.

Bannon: Youz verry pretty eyez. ::waves a finger vaguely::

Malcolm: Youz iz pretty, too. ::stares at Bannon cross-eyed for a minute::

Bannon: ::chungs his drink:: Youz ever finda guy? What did it?

Malcolm: No. Sfuggin cops.

Bannon: Yoosh’d kill em all. That’ll teach ’em.

Malcolm: Tha’z zakly what I said! I’m I’m… I’mza kill em all, an sfoosh! ::flings out an arm, accidentally knocking several empty bottles off the table:: Juz like that! ::points at the fallen bottles:: Sfoosh! All gone! An build a better place.

Bannon: Thassa good idea!

Malcolm: Youz defnally needa meet Tommy. Hez doezn’t get it. I juss… can’t splain….

 

Oliver: ::looking blearily at Zevran:: I feel ya, man. Like, nobody should hafta go through that, ya know? ::tips his bottle::

Zevran: Ah! It haz make me shtronger!

Oliver: But… who getz to decide? You dint say, ‘I wanna be stronger!’ It just happen to you. Juss like me. An I woulda liked ta have been asked, ya know? I coulda been prepared. Nooo, I was goin’ along juss fine… then, pffthpht!

Zevran: You can’t let it rule your life. ::tosses back a drink:: You hafta live life to its fullersted. An… an… jus be happy.

Oliver: Zacktly! I got to get my woman….

Zevran: ::leaning on Oliver’s arm:: Who needs women? ::waggles brows::

Oliver: ::frowns:: I like women.

Zevran: I like women, too! Do you see any here?

Oliver: ::peers around blearily:: Um….

Zevran: My point essactly!

Oliver: No, no, I mean… I have a girlfren!

Zevran: You didn’t bring her with you?

Oliver: No, she doesn’t know… Bout… this stuff… an stuff.

Zevran: Tsk tsk tsk…. ::shakes head sadly:: That is no way to treat a relashunship!

 

Diggle & Jack: ::laughing drunkenly::

Jack: No, seriously?

Diggle: I’m serious! He did it again, just three days later!

Jack: ::trying to chug a whole bottle of tequila, nearly chokes from laughing::

Diggle: Some guys, I swear, do not belong in the armed forces!

Jack: You’re not gonna believe this… but the exact same thing happend to me — in World War One and World War Two!

Diggle: ::frowns suspiciously:: You can’t be in World War One or Two! You’re barely older than me.

Jack: Hah! You’d be surprised. ::polishes off the tequila, and the worm:: I waz in World War Two, twice!

Diggle: ::goggles:: How can you do that? You like slammed five bottles of that stuff, you ought to be dead.

Jack: ::laughs:: Izza metabolism thing. Can’t stay drunk verra long.

Diggle: No?

Jack: Don’ stay dead verra long, either. ::giggles::

Diggle: You’re one strange guy, Jack. ::drinks his drink at a more sedate pace::

Jack: You have NO idea! I tell you a buncha things you’ll never believe….!

…..

 


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